Existence of Realisation

Existence of Realisation

I am not a bonafide philosopher nor do I dare to consider myself even as a fake one! I simply draw conclusions with respect to the cause and effect of the experiences that life subjects me to. Of course these retro analyses are facilitated by my training as a student and teacher of Organic Chemistry.
But still Life has an elusive quality wherein it eludes the “cause and effect” theorizing: be it a chemical or philosophical approach.

This very elusive nature of happenings around me, and involving me in as much as encasing my actions and reactions, has forced me to delve deeper into the innermost recesses of my heart and mind in search of answers. And as I have been successful to some extent I hope to continue in the same vein in the remaining years of my life. Life, which, apart from many things is a journey. As of the other facets of life to me, I can’t deal with it now. They have been compiled in what I call as of now, my proposed book, which I am afraid, one has to read if there is a corresponding urge. Of course that will be possible only when the book is published! Till then sorry to keep you all in a suspended suspense!

Coming to my introspective study, I must confess that this made me aware of the “Existence of Realisation”, within, which was present earlier as well but I had failed to acknowledge its presence. So caught up I was in the factors around me that I had overlooked the finer factors that gave me my individuality: engrossed in things outside, instead of those inside, waiting for it’s deserved due.

Quite contrary to the reflections off this piece, I don’t intend it to be a spiritual discourse. I am too small a person. I rather prefer to be an able disciple of my conscience. And I don’t know whether there is any concrete connection between soul and conscience. In fact my conscience tells me not to get bogged down with such a complicated matter! Though I must admit that it is not always that I am able to follow the directives of my conscience. Situations do crop up that force me to act in contradiction instead, by way of a compromise mechanism.
This continuous learning process has made me realise that all our life we crave for satisfaction. Satisfaction, which is a precursor of peace. As the level of satisfaction increases more facile incubator of peace we are rendered.

The experiences of my recent past, as also the cumulative experiences that stretch well past the recent past, have forced me ask myself what actually is satisfaction? Is it the same thing as contentment? As to the second question I got “no” for am answer. And for the first, when I honestly looked around and within, myself, the conclusion I arrived at is that most of us set “conditions as parameters” for satisfaction and the most common of them are two.

The first in my list is, Ambition. We have ambitions depending upon the goals that we set for ourselves. On fulfillment of the ambition/s we feel satisfied and if not, the contrary makes its presence felt. Well, there is no harm in setting goals and having ambitions. Rather it is quintessential for having a meaningful life. But don’t you think that we end up “overdoing” the ambition aspect to an extent of obsession at times? This forces us to go to or stoop to any extent to achieve it. Our ambitions are generally restricted to achievements, which are essentially of physical/materialistic nature. We crave for high position in a company we work for the corresponding power (to wield), prestige (at times a namesake of mere ego) and money (to buy all imaginable things). True, intellectual satisfaction might sneak in, though the priority accorded to it is not the topmost.

Unfortunately, seldom our ambition is to become a good human-being primarily, with an honesty in our efforts towards lighting up at least the face of one person with a genuine smile, per day. The feeling that wells within is overwhelming and my perception gives it the name of satisfaction to me. Though it is a fact that ambition and satisfaction are two faces of a coin, still if a line, a proper one is not drawn between the two, the coin turns out to be fake. Thankfully, I have freed myself of this confusion and now my ambition is satisfaction with no ambiguity lurking in my mind.

The second factor and the one that had taken a frightening grip on my perception was the urge to be appreciated. I used to feel that if I am appreciated then the feeling generated within was satisfaction. But this is not the truth. In trying to impress others I suppressed my natural instinct and protests of my conscience.
Now with age and commensurate maturity I have recognized the Existence of a thing called Realisation, within. And this tells me that I was not correct in my assessment of satisfaction totally, if not being wrong completely.

It is not that now I do not appreciate being appreciated! But appreciation to me is another mode of encouragement. And I too had loved to merely please others but the emotions don’t quite compare with what I feel when I find my actions have profound and positive effects on my near and dear ones and also the various people whose lives I have been honoured to touch, actions that do not contradict my conscience as well.
It now gives me the sense of fulfillment and contentment, which to me is the actual satisfaction. It soothes the conscience which I can now face without any guilt. While I teach and the face of the students light up with understanding, the feelings within is quite inexplicable. Priceless. To be able to do something meaningful justifies the purpose of my existence on this earth: coming in handy in however small but yes, meaningful way.
This fulfillment is the essence of being. Because, it is felt only when things are enacted as per the wishes of the conscience, which is seldom wrong.

Contrary to this, the craving for an appreciation (of the selfish variety), gives many a times false sense of acceptance and equally superficial feeling of redemption. Though it is true that at times we are not able to assess ourselves properly, still we need to hone our self-assessment powers. Acceptance and appreciation are relative words; they are neither universal in nature nor are they so in their applicability. Too much dependence on them leads to “else-satisfaction” and “self-satisfaction”, whence unable to act as a true source of true satisfaction.

On the spiritual and intellectual levels self-satisfaction == self-gratification.

But this is not so on the physical level, wherein these are equated and conscience ignored.

If appreciation is immaterial but actions are carried out with a genuine intention to be profitable to others and at the same time are intensely satisfying to self, then those actions obliterate materialistic reasons for the deed.
Then “else-satisfaction” == “self –satisfaction”.

These are my perceptions and I don’t intend to push for the tag of “universal” for them. But when I defy my conscience even if unintentionally, it gnaws at the core of my being as this defiance doesn’t augur well with me. But please don’t have the notion that this narration of mine is intended to paint myself as a perfect individual. That is not true as it is an impossibility. Nor I am trying to brag. I am a simple person, who has been enlivened by this realization that has led to an irrepressible urge to share it with you all. I myself have been guilty of grumbling as I used to feel that I have got (from life) less than what I felt I deserved. To me accomplishment of visible things were real accomplishment and food for true satisfaction. I cribbed over what I didn’t have quite conveniently ignoring to appreciate what I have. Now I realize how wrong I was.

This “Existence of Realisation” has carved a special place in my life, specially, over the past one year. It has made realize my errors committed over the years. I cannot rectify those errors as one’s actions and reactions in life are like chemical changes, given their irreversibility. But yes, I can promise myself that I shall try to avoid the repetitions of errors: same or of different type, as well. That will be the true fulfillment: personal as well as professional (there is much scope for improvement in my teaching, as also some commitments made to self).
The realization of the “Existence of Realisation” has made me realize that my ambition is attaining the satisfaction, of my definition. Becoming a good and true human-being is the ultimate achievement thus. All other physical and thereby visible accomplishments, though necessary to an extent, are mere “Punctuations” in this journey called Life.
Sushmita Mukherjee,
6th August, 2009